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This is Xander doing his best thinking man impersonation

Yesterday Xander had his cognitive test completed. Good news and bad news. The test were basically broken down into three categories and are testing his cognitive ability (here’s a link if you want to know more http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_test ). He emphasized to us that X was too young for an IQ test, and the earliest you can do an IQ test is at 6 1/2. This is a breakdown of the tests; 1)Verbal – Above average 2)Nonverbal – Average 3)SPATIAL – Below Average. The Dr. said that the kicker was when X was firing on all cylinders he was at a 91% percentile with Spatial, it was the fact that he was having “glitches” in his thinking that brought him below average. The test are timed, and if you take too long you score low. The Dr. said that the fact Xander was still average on one and above average on the other was a very good sign, considering all the seizures he has. He also said that he cannot say for sure that X scored below average due to his seizures messing with his thinking, or if it was the medication.

Something that made us feel good was when the Dr. said “The fact that we were able to perform all the test that we did on Xander was remarkable” He went on to tell us X finished more test than almost all 5 year olds, and some 10 year olds. He said that when X is on cruise control he can fly through the test, it was just these glitches that are hindering him. He also said that X’s memory was spot on, and that was impressive due to the amount of seizures he has. Simply put, your brain is a very complex organ with complex wiring and electrical exchanges, the seizures are like huge electrical storms, you mix the two and there are going to be some real issues. X has been blessed to stay above the average on many things, we are just praying that he stays that way. He’s always been sharp, and like every good parent we want him to stay that way.

Now while X was taking his test earlier in the day we met with the DR. and had to answer a lot of questions, some personal, other “normal”. We thought nothing of this until our second appointment with him. He said something that again proves that God works all things for the good of those who love him, and that has prepared us for this. He said “I just want to let you know that it is proven that the better a home life a child has, the better and quicker the recovery. It’s even better when both parents live together, and have a good relationship, Xander has that advantage, and he should do fine.”. I was a bit shocked that a medical doctor would even put that out there, but it made me feel loved.

The fact that we listened to God, years ago, and have been working diligently to have a healthy marriage, proves to me, and hopefully others out there, that Gods ways and thoughts are perfect. He knew it back then, he knew it was essential for X’s health and well being that Sarah and I walk the difficult path of repairing our marriage. He knew that little X needed us to be healthy, our marriage would not be whole or even alive if it were not for us listening to God. The crazy part is, we thought it was for us, and our family, 3 years ago we had no idea it would or could affect X so much.

We are about to meet with his Neurologist as I type, I will post again about todays appointments.

Honestly, the Mayo Clinic is simply put, Amazing. I try to be aware of the spiritual realm of things and I feel like the air is filled with healing. I dunno, maybe I am crazy or maybe the lack of sleep has affected my sanity. I started thinking that while I was sitting in the cafe, watching all the people. I watched two Doctors, or Med. students reviewing books, and talking about something medical, waaayy beyond my comprehension. I watched as countless people passed by, some smiling, some with very sad eyes, and others with more of a blank stare. You still had your people who went on their way trying not to make eye contact with people, and those who went out of their way to say hi to everyone.

While I am people watching I still have that feeling of healing, and of hope; maybe I am feeling that way because that is what I need right now, and God is providing, or maybe I am right and that “healing” is in the air. Either way, I think that it is interesting. I have read books, and heard of stories where Angels are posted up in the corners of the room watching people intently as they go about their day. How they are doing Gods will and keeping us safe from evilI can’t help wonder if that is happening here, assuming that is fact, not fiction. I actually looked up at the corners trying to imagine them there, I am sure they are laughing at me as I try to “see” them.

Xander is in his test right now, and we met with the Neuro-Psychologist earlier this morning. They asked a lot of questions pertaining to how he does with things, like learning, numbers communication, ect. We did feel some comfort in our decision to opt for surgery, as the Neuro-Psychologist told us that Dr. Wejten has international respect in the Neuro field, and that if his child was ever in need of surgery due to seizures, he would want him to perform the surgery.

We left our twinkies with Travis’ mom early this morning, as we left the house X said “I like this house dad, does she have a husband?” I said yeah she does, and everyone who comes here likes this house. We are really lucky to have the Eckersons here, once again I feel like that is just another way that God was preparing us for this time in our lives.

I mean God, being all knowing, knew that it would help us having someone we know here in Rochester, and so he arranged a meeting with the Eckersons and us. That was over 10 years ago and now we are realizing how his will is perfect. OK, I could go on and on, I have a million thoughts in this ginormous head of mine, but I will post more tonight.

There’s a race going on in my mind right now as I type, and my sleep is losing. Interestingly enough I am wide awake right now; I was able to get about a 20 minute nap in before Sarah came in and woke me up (unintentionally of course). I have been up ever since. I tried going to sleep, even tried the sheep counting thing. My head is racing with thoughts, so much so that I finally gave up and started thinking. I figured that’s what it wants to do anyway, so why fight it.

I ended up switching spots with Sarah and laying with X for about 20 minutes, before I tried turning on the TV to drown out my thoughts. The only thing I ended up doing was waking up the twins, and they let me know they were not happy about it. So I laid there for about 5 minutes more and decided to let you in on my thoughts.

To be honest I have yet to worry about this surgery, that is until tonight. I am not sure it is so much worry, as it is that I am “feeling it” (A Mike Donahue phrase). And boy am I ever feeling it tonight, I laid next to X and whispered to him “I wish you’d get better”, and “I am sorry and I love you” tears rolling down my cheek, and a lump the size of Volkswagen in my throat.

*Mike Donahue was once a youth pastor at the church I attended for about 6 years. I really didn’t care for him much, and told him so. I ended up asking his cousin (Sarah) to marry me, so then I had to like him. He has been there in my darkest of times, and proved to be an incredible friend*

For some reason while I was laying there next to my sleeping son I could hear Mike telling me “Ya gotta feel it before you can fix it”. Now don’t get me wrong I don’t worship Mike, I know it was the Holy Spirit talking to me, but he was using words Mike had told me numerous times. I am not much of a tears kinda guy, as a matter of fact I told X about 8 months ago it was OK to cry, and that Daddy cries sometimes. He looked at me like I had 8 eyes, and an elephant nose. I said “You’ve seen me cry right?” With a bit of confusion and awkwardness he replied “No”. I looked at Sarah and she said “I don’t think you’ve ever cried in front of him” I was astonished, and ashamed.

I partly blame my job on that, and me trying to be “The MAN of the House”. Somewhere for some reason I don’t think I ever cried in front of my boys. I think the only person I cried in front more than once in a year was my marriage counselor. It was on that day I asked God to help me with that. I can remember the handful of times my Dad cried in front of me, and it was shocking for me to see the man I looked up to crying. I knew it was OK to cry, and yet failed to SHOW my boys that.

Well God listened and was more than faithful, it was like two days later when I bawled my eyes out because of his seizures. I cried harder than I had in years, so much so I becam all swollen eyed, and I needed to drink water for fear of dehydrating. I have cried more these 6 months, than I have in the last 10 years, seriously. It helps to feel it before I attempt to fix it; it helps just to feel it. So tonight I am feeling it. I am feeling it deep into the core of my father heart. I always say that a mothers love for her child is incomparable, I hold to that, but a fathers heart to keep his child safe is the same way. If I could take my sons place I would do it with no hesitation, I would do it even if it meant that I would have to take it and multiply it by infinity. The way I see it, I have lived 30 great years, he has only lived 4 really, since that is when it started. He could spend the next 80+ in peace, and I would finish my life fulfilled. Knowing that he could didn’t have to go through the pain that he is about to go through, and watching him live life to the fullest.

Please do not think for one moment that I do not think he will have a “normal” life, on the contrary, I KNOW he will. I will never treat him like he is disabled, or else he will be. I just want to keep him safe. Sometimes after Sarah shows me a picture of him when he was like 2, after I am alone, I cry. This may sound petty, but I look at how perfect his head is, and his sweet innocent face, and his intoxicating smile, and I wish it was still like that. I say it sounds petty because I am talking about the physical, I know his spirit will always be a joyful one, that’s who God made him.

Man, I can tell I am tired cause I can barely get through this due to my own tears, but I just wish this would all go away, that God would just touch him. What I would give for that. I hold onto that, a miracle, but I am also aware that no matter what happens “I CAN do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me”, and so can my family for the same reason.

I told Sarah to write a quick post on what happened a few days ago. X has been praying for sick people, kids in particular. Every time we drive by a hospital, cruiser, fire truck, or ambulance he starts to pray. It really is a cool story, if she doesn’t post it soon, I will get the details and do it myself.

I got about 3 hours of sleep, Sarah got less, the boys ended up with about 9. The ride to the Mayo Clinic started at 5, plans changed to 5:30. The Fog was thick enough you could only see about 20-30 feet in front of you for about 2 hours, no Joke or exaggeration. When the boys finally woke up around 8, they were not happy, they like to cuddle Mommy or Daddy when they wake up.

Everyone had a short fuse, even with everyone trying really hard not to. We did well for the most part, only a few quick snips at each other. But as everyone knows, during times of stress those few times are too many. They never went long, I think because we all knew everyone was at their breaking point, but I cannot wait for tomorrow.

We all do better with sleep, and tomorrow we need to be on our A-game to talk to the doctors. Our first appointment is at 7:45am. Before that happens we need to get ready to go, eat breakfast, and drop the boys off at the Eckersons (Who have offered their child-care services to us).

That being said, 6am is right around the corner, I’ll fill you in tomorrow. By the way The Ronald McDonald house is AMAZING. More on that too.

By the way this may have yesterdays date on it, that’s because I started typing another one, and ended up erasing it and typing this one. I know someone is going to look at that and think I can predict the future. I am not able to predict the future….yet.

So after our first and successful trip to Mayo, we started feeling better about everything. The medicine at first seemed to work, the frequency lessened, and then about a week later it seemed as if the floodgates had opened. Xander used to tell us that he “felt” the “shakes/wiggles”, but they never affected him that we could see, after about a week on meds. we could see.

We called the Mayo and they recommended upping the dosage since it was very low. So this is how it went….. X started taking Teg. on the 2nd of April, 1/2 a pill 2 times a day. By June he was taking 1 1/2 Teg. 2 times a day. The seizures seemed to only be affected for a day to 5 days, then the seizures would come back. Sometimes stronger, other times weaker, it was so inconsistent; and we were so frustrated.

It was around July 7th that X’s eye began twitching as well, or at least that was when we took notice of it because it was so consistent. I think July was when it really started becoming serious. We had been making sure he was getting good sleep, taking his meds, eating better, getting a nap, watching less TV. All the little things the Mayo told us to do and more, the result was disappointing, more seizures. At this point there was an urgency to find some sort of relief for him, we called the Mayo and they scheduled another appointment. This time more test would be done, and only Sarah would go with him. I watched the twins during the day and my parents watched the twinkies while I worked. It was hard only for the reason that I wished I was up there to hear everything, and to ask questions, and to be with them. I had to trust and rely on Sarah.

It was sometime in July that we had his next appointments, it all worked out, and the Mayo reevaluated Xanders condition. He had a physical, and some more blood work done; it was also around this time we started to notice that he began favoring his left hand, but only slightly. This was mentioned to the Doctors and they asked us to keep an eye on it. Sarah informed the Dr.’s that he was averaging about 5 seizures a day, and they were more aggressive than before, and now they were including his eye. They found all of this interesting, and mentioned stacking his meds. Sarah said she would have to talk it over with me. Sarah told me the Neurologist suggested X go on Keppra, I was not thrilled about this, but I knew that there were times when more than 1 medicine had to be taken in order to control the seizures. .

Keppra was a disaster to say the least; it worked for about 3 days. He was so emotional, and would do the oddest things. He would walk up to us or his brothers and just start punching, he even did this to friends or visitors. The breaking point for me came the day Sarah and I were talking about his behavior in the kitchen. I will never forget it; he came in, sat on the kitchen floor and told us how much he disliked how he felt. He told us “I just want all of this to stop, I feel weird”. I was so upset at that statement at the time, and can vividly recall how my heart dropped when he told us that. The kid was 4 years old, on top of that he was telling us how the medicine was messing with him. That was all I needed to hear, Sarah and I knew our perceptions were correct, and she called the Mayo that same day. We had to wean him off the Keppra, but it was worth it, we got our sweet Xander back.

August was no better for us, we would have a day or two with as little as 2 or three seizures, but most days it was 5-7. We decided to start him in sports since he loved them so much, it was baseball and soccer for our X, and boy did he love it. Our only concern was him having a seizure in front of everyone, or his little friends. We also decided to keep him home one more year, we felt like school would have to wait until we could get a hold of these seizures better. A decision that I feel was one of the best that Sarah and I have made.

Since Sarah kept in constant contact with his Dr.’s, they asked us to have a local hospital perform an MRI with contrast. September 7th was the day, and it went off without a hitch. Same rules as always no food, or drinks after midnight, and the test would be done mid morning.

The results were in before we knew it, and it showed everything normal. We were hopeful that X would be able to grow out of these seizures, that they would not plague him his entire life, and that he would never know a lifetime of seizures. I distinctly remember thinking that it was good news, everything is normal.

The next few months would prove to be very confusing, and at times depressing. We would not “feel” ready for the news that we would receive. Thinking back to the early part of 2009 seems like a lifetime away; if you would have told me then that our family had some very trying times ahead, I would have never imagined this.

Well, yesterday I had intended to write some more historical stuff, but was forced to change my plans due to unplanned events that took place. Mainly another trip to the ER, this time, I was able to take it all in stride, not missing a beat. Here’s how it went.

Sarah took Zane to an appointment early morning and X was at preschool, leaving me and Israel free reign of the house. As soon as the coast was clear, the wrestling began. Iz wasn’t very crazy at first and eventually left me to go play in his room, I then decided to try to get a nap in. I woke up to a flurry of fist pounding my back, and the words “getchu, getchu, getchu”, it was on after that. I got up and proceeded to play the role of the “bad guy” and the “play by play announcer”. It was a long match that at one point had me on the bottom with Iz in my arms above me. I let him fall to my chest, and started tickling him, he then pulled an ultra-ninja move and rolled off me. That is when the screaming began, then “Daddy, huuts weally baad”. He was holding his left arm and in obvious pain, I thought “What the heck just happened”. I thought that he may have sprained his wrist, or just tweaked it, but he was not getting any better, and I could do nothing to console him.

I called Sarah and let her know what was going on, and that she was going to have to pick up X from preschool, she sighed, as if saying here we go again, and said OK. We got in the truck and headed to the ER. I was upset, but only because I didn’t like seeing him in pain. This was different than even a week ago, where I would have been more inclined to say “One more thing to add to the list of things gone wrong”.

On the way there I noticed my check engine light turned off (And has stayed off since) just like the mechanic said it should if it was just the cold. I called Sarah again and told her “I wish you were taking him, they are gonna think I did this to him”. She played that thought down, and said she was going to be late picking X up. I said that because I am always getting dirty looks for the way I look, even having security follow me in stores and once question me. I get that, and know it comes with the territory, but hospitals are a whole different thing, especially with hurt kids. They could easily call the child victim unit and next thing you know I have co-workers in my room.

Everything went well in the ER and Iz was in enough pain that the nurses wanted to give him more pain reliever. Then a guy came in and started asking a bunch of questions. Everything was normal until I heard “Is there a history of violence, or domestic violence in the home”, I said “Huh…..uh NO.” Then there was “Has there been a tendency toward violence in the home” I replied “(humph), NO” He gave me a cross eyed look and then left. Now I have been in the ER numerous times in the last two months, and I have never been asked those questions. I am not gonna lie, I initially thought “That a-hole really thinks I hurt my boy”, I then regain my composure and thought “He’s just doing his job, if it wasn’t for them child abuse cases may go unnoticed” Then I thought my first thought again, and then tried remembering not to take it personal. I called a friend who is in the Child Victim, Sexual Assault unit and told him about the questions. He laughed and said “You look like a piece of s*#&, what do you expect, I’d call on you too if I didn’t know you. Just let them know your a cop, and if they call they call, but they probably won’t unless they are really concerned” He laughed some more making fun of me, and telling me he had just received a call to go in and interview a “Long haired child abuser”. I laughed called him a jerk, and said thanks.

I let the nurse and question guy know who I was, and that I was a Police Officer. They both maintained their professionalism, stated that they were not judging me (Lying through their teeth) and explained that they always ask those questions. I told them I had never heard those questions in the 4 times I had been to the ER in last 2 months (Realizing that last statement was not in my favor as I said it) and explained I wanted them to do their jobs, just not judge me for how I looked. They said that they would never do anything like that, although they treated me better after that (Or at least I thought they did).

When the Doc came in Iz was in no more pain and playing with the railings. She examined him and said he probably dislocated his elbow, and it popped back into place while he was here. She said it was very common for parents to go the the ER and then while waiting their child goes back to normal and the parents are left dumbfounded. The nurses were even laughing at this since they too thought he had a broken arm. We said our good-byes, and Iz was given a car for being a brave boy.

I looked at him and couldn’t help wondering if he planned this while thing. Fake an injury, spend more time with Daddy, go the the hospital, get a toy (Both X and Zane had received toys after going to the ER and Iz was left toyless), and then go home better off then when he came in. I think he may have pulled the ultimate scam, and I fell for it.

I do think it is a testament to God’s peace he places on us, that I didn’t feel overwhelmed or stresses. Once again I attribute that to all our friends and family praying for us. There is no way we could do this without God, and the support from all our loved ones.

We leave for the Mayo tomorrow to try to get a room at the Ronald McDonald house, then two days of tests, questions and explanations. I’ll keep everyone updated, Monday at the latest; hopefully I have enough free time at night to catch up on the history of all of this.

Needless to say, I have been super busy with work, part-times, family, and circumstances. Not to mention shoveling the snow and melting the ice that has built up on our roof from the two massive blizzards in Dec. And yes, I am shoveling snow off my roof, twice it was as high as mid-thigh. If I am not able to complete another historical post soon, I should be able to finish one or two while we are at the Mayo Clinic this next week.

Keep our X in prayer, on Monday he meets with a Pediatric Neuro-Psychologist, Dr. Zaccariello to do a cognitive function test to assess where he is cognitively, so basically they will have him draw, color, ask him age appropriate school type questions & just overall watch him be a five year old. This is one step they take to make sure he is a good candidate for surgery. Some of the tests that they do with him during this time they will also do after they put the grid on his brain (before the actual resection). They will do this to test that area of his brain to check & see if when/if it is removed he will still be able to answer the questions the way he did before surgery. Does that kinda make sense? We don’t have a super clear understanding of it but that leads us to appointment number 2 on Tuesday with the Neuro-Surgeon Dr. Wetjen. At this appointment we will learn all of the nitty gritty of all of the surgeries. Then on to appointment number 3 with the epileptoligist Dr. Wirrell & I am not sure what that one is for exactly.

We are anxious as the days approach, ready to move on from this time and into the next “adventure”. We are taking our twins up with us this time, the last time we went and did not take them it was sad. X asked for his “Brudders” and my mom told me that the twins would go into X’s room and ask for him. When we finally made it back home they shrieked with joy, and wouldn’t stop hugging all of us. I hope they do well since they will be staying with Travis’ mom, who is such a sweet woman, and has her own daycare.

One last thing, my wife finally was able to contact the Turners of AZ. The Christian family who helped us not “feel” all alone in this and inspired me to start this after finding their website. I would ask that all our friends and family pray for their sweet Hannah. I know we have people all over the world praying for X, so would you pray for her too. She told Sarah that they have people praying for Hannah worldwide as well, and would put X on that prayer-chain. I want to do the same for them. Thanks in advance, and you guys are the greatest.

I listen to talk radio, and sometimes it drives my wife nuts. When I first started listening to it with her she really hated it, she would say “Why are you listening to this, old people listen to this”. I get it from my parents, they listened to it when I was growing up. The funny thing is I hated it at first, then it started growing on me. I remember being like 11 years old, sitting in the back of our station wagon listening to Paul Harvey’s “The Rest Of The Story”. My wife, and some of my friends wonder where I come up with my obscure facts, it’s talk radio, and the occasional weird science TV show.

Why am I writing about this? Well, it’s because I wanted to share something real quick (OK, you and I both know I am long winded, and type-ed) with you. I have received 2 e-mails of encouragement that reminded me of something I heard on talk radio. It was about 6 months ago that I was driving home and heard a pastor and an Evangelist/missionary in an interview. Usually I would change it because 80% of the time I think the interviews are really cheesy, this time I just listened. About 5 minutes into the interview I was able to derive that this evangelist/missionary being interviewed was sick with some sort of serious illness, but you could hear life in his voice. A few minutes later I pulled up to my house and parked my truck and listened.

The pastor asked the evangelist so many good questions, and the evangelist replied with such honesty it blew me away, I remember thinking I have never heard anyone so honest on the radio. He was revealing very personal feelings on real issues in his life. I could tell that the pastor was a bit taken back by his honesty as well, then I heard something so profound. This evangelist was asked “When people come up to you and ask you ‘If God is real why hasn’t he healed you?’ What do you say?” His reply was enough to make me choke back tears, I will give you not exact quotes, but a summery of what he said.

His reply was I tell them before I had this illness I thought I was a caring and compassionate man, I thought that I was sensitive toward other people and what they were going through. I thought I knew how to be open, caring, and loving; but I was wrong. One thing I know for sure was that my family didn’t always think I was very compassionate. I tell them that it was because of this that I think God allowed this sickness to become a part of me. I think that he looked down from heaven and said (The evangelist name) is not whole, I want him to be whole, he prays that my will be done, and I want him to be more compassionate, sensitive, open, caring and loving. He does well but for some reason he is not allowing himself to operate in the fullness that I have for him. This test will allow him to live his life in the fullness that I desire for him. He went on to say I tell them that the reason why everyone who knows me says I am a good man is because of this sickness. It has allowed me to walk in the fullness that God desires for me, and it is the only way I would have ever listened. I tell them if it were not for this sickness, I would not be where I am today with God, and this ministry. I tell them that I would rather be sick and whole than healthy and in pieces.

The pastors words after that were, “That is incredible, I have never heard anyone explain something like this the way you have”. Nor had I. The disease was Systemic lupus erythematosus. The miracle was that he was one of the only people in the world to have gone through symptoms, but the symptoms went from bad to tolerable, and he is able to continue his ministry. So that brings me to today.

I have received 2 e-mails of encouragement, and both had the same theme. Both meant a great deal, and both made me think of the interview above. My desire is to be like that man, to be able to look through my circumstances and to the goal, or the reward. That is why “All things work for the good of those who love him”. It makes sense, although not always while you are going through it. It is good to have a support system that encourages you, and helps you see the truth without making you feel bad.

One thing I lost sight of was the fact that God knows what it is like to see his son suffer. Many times during this period in our lives I have thought “God, why are you letting this happen? FIX THIS!!!! A good father would never let this happen to their child”. I was so wrong. God has a plan for all of this, and I must rely on him to see it through to completion. I think times like this make me understand James better when he says in James 1:2-8 2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4 Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. 6 But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; 8 he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.

God I believe that you have a plan and a purpose for all of this occurring in my sweet Xanders life. Please help me to be the type of Father/husband/man to help lead him to that understanding, whatever it may be or whatever it that may look like. I know that my life is being changed in ways I would never have imagined as a result of this, help me show him your goodness in all of this. Give me the proper words to say so that one day I may be able to explain all of this to him, and help me be the example he needs me to be. God help me lead my wife and three boys during these hard times, and in our victory may your name be praised.

This is going to be very raw, if you don’t want that, or like what I say here is your warning. It is 2:50am, I just got home from work. I am not happy. Our lives have been such a roller coaster, emotionally, with victories/good luck and failure/bad luck (For lack of a better term), with Xander, and our family life, and I am ready to be done with it.

Whoever is reading this, I have a plea, please pray. We are tired. I am not a quitter, I love a good fight, but I need a break. More than just a day. I am not over exaggerating, or making it seem worse than it is, real talk for every victory/blessing the next day there has been another obstacle. I will only give one example, someone paid for our truck to be repaired (Blessing), that very next morning during an oil change for the van we were told it needed new brakes asap. Not a big deal, we laughed it off, plus we knew we could do it since we had been blessed by the truck. The next day after that my truck which has run like a champ for the last 2 years starts acting funny. Enough said, I am done talking about bad crap. It has literally gotten to the point where friends/co-workers, some who I have never talked on a deeper, personnel level with before about God, are telling me “He’s (referring to God) just testing you, it’s gotta be over soon”. The crazy part is, they don’t even know the HALF of it!

I thought it was going to be over months ago, yet here we are. I have only focused on the good, that hasn’t worked. I have prayed, I have cried, I have prayed with my wife, I have had a TON of help from family and friends (to which I will have to spend my entire life trying to repay), I have begged, pleaded, asked for forgiveness, sat still, tried to look for an answer, stopped looking for answers, put on a garment of praise, rejoiced, lamented, pressed on, kept on, fought, asked for protection, allowed myself to be weak so his strength would bring me through, talked to friends, not talked to anyone, yelled at the devil, yelled at God, listened, spoke life, looked forward, worried, not worried, I could go on and on. I feel like I have tried it all, and I am still here on the same roller coaster.

I drove home tonight at 20 mph, yelling and crying. I have nothing left to hide, so I will share with you what I said. The reason I am sharing this is so that maybe someone out there can be my voice to God, someone can give me a message from him. I need. That was not a typo, I need. I feel numb, I hate that, but I do, here’s the jist of what I said, after yelling at the enemy.

“God, I really need your help right now, I am not a quitter, and I will not quit, but I feel like quitting. I need a brake, I am worn in every sense. I want you to meet me here, right now, and explain to me what is happening to me. Dan Torres loves Jesus, and needs to meet him now. Your word is the Truth, and I believe it. You love me more than my earthly father, so dad meet me here now. Meet me here now because I know that if I called my earthly father right now and told him I needed him here, he would show up. Tell me why I can’t get off this roller coaster, why things cannot be normal for me, why I have to go through all of this. Why? Answer me Dad, I want to know. If my son asked me, I would tell him everything I could, so tell me. This is stupid, all of this is, so why?” I hears nothing, I felt like I heard “You don’t have to know why” But I don’t know if that was from him, or my flustered mind

That is not all of it, but the jist of it. If anyone can offer anything I am willing to listen. I had a great conversation with my Uncle Joe, and I shared it with my wife. His wisdom on stuff really lifted me up, now this. I hate this, I have never been so unstable in life before. Here’s the crazy part, I know that God is my rock and my refuge, in whom I will trust; so why? I have no idea why this is happening. My good friend and work partner said “You just have to remember that there are people worse than you out there”. My reply was “Pretty soon that remark won’t hold true”. I try to always remember that, and we have talked about it before, but I feel like it just keeps getting worse. Even with my precious son Xander, who has been having stronger seizures, and now recently twitches. Imagine sleeping and at the end of your breath, you are not allowed to breath for 20 to 30 seconds. That’s what he has been going through for the last few weeks, and now the twitches, which no one has explained yet. He’s on all these drugs that do not allow his true nature to come out. My sweet twins are at each others throats constantly, and they have been having really bad dreams lately. My incredible wife can’t seem to feel rested ever. It all just sucks guys, it all sucks,they do not deserve this.

Mike Donahue, who is one of the most real, and Godly men I know once asked me a question when I was facing a very hard time in my life. He asked me “Does Dan Torres love Jesus?” I replied “Yes”. He then told me “Hold onto that when it gets hard, cause he (God) will never leave you” I have held onto that, and I know it. I just am having a hard time with this time in my life, in our lives. All the things happening are all out of our hands, and some of the things happening are totally freaky things.

Please do not take this in anyway as me whining, I am honestly opening myself up to you in effort to gain insight. Maybe God will tell one of you something, and then you can tell me because I can’t hear crap. I told my dad about three weeks ago that I felt like Daniel in the bible, the part where the angel takes 40 days to reply to his prayer. When Daniel asks him (Angel) about this he (Angel) says that he has been fighting with the “prince of the air”. I told my dad “That’s how I feel, like all my prayers are getting stuck out there, somewhere”.

Please pray for us, I don’t know how much longer Sarah and I can take this. I KNOW that we can do all things, and I will not stop fighting, but I am tired, we both are tired. I feel like chewing again. I have quit for over a year, and now more than ever I feel like chewing. Stupid things like that come to my head at times like this. I know somewhere out there someone is reading this and feels as if they have something for us. I am asking that you would comment it, or e-mail us if you are too embarrassed to share it on a comment ( Tendertigerx@gmail ). I will take everything with a grain of salt, and ask God about it, but I am now asking my brothers and sisters in Christ to please help us hear him. Sarah and I are beating our heads in trying to figure all this bad crap out, to no avail. Help us hear God, whether it be through prayer, a word, or whatever, help.

Maybe this is normal, and this is how people going through big “Storms” feel. I don’t know, because no one has ever shared this with me. I am so frustrated, I don’t want to be “that guy”. The one that comes to work and only has bad news, or the guy that has only bad stuff happen to him, cause that’s all he ever talks about. I have a ton of great stuff happen, blessings galore. I am just confused as to why I/we keep getting rained on. I am once again asking for help from my Christian family, I know that if I turn to anything else it is not worth the effort. Even a quick 20 second prayer, we will take it.

To be brutally honest, I just read this and told myself I was not going to post this. I am embarrassed about it, and I feel too vulnerable. It is for that very reason that I have posted this, and you are reading it. I will be an open book, naked, if you will, before you and God. I meant what I said, that we wanted to help people out, and maybe one day someone will read this and say “We are not the only ones”.

Well here it finally is, as I promised. This post has been really hard to get to since I am still trying to get through the past events, and up to date. I had mentioned in an earlier post that God had been preparing us for this time, and I really believe that. I am going to take the next few paragraphs to explain a bit about us, so your not lost.

I am 30 years old, and have grown up in a “Christian” home. I am fortunate to have both parents in my life, and still together. I rebelled until I was out of high school, and then made a deal with God. I told him you do these three things, and I’ll really start to follow you. Two days later it all happened, I had not told a soul about this either. I started to make the “right choices” in life, after numerous years of making foolish ones. I had good “christian” friends like Eddie Roach, Nick Delaney, and Craig Bunck all whom I am still friends with. Nick and Craig introduced me to BJ, the youth pastor, who in turn introduced me to Master’s Commission ( http://www.masterscommissionusa.com/ that is the one that started them all) in Bellevue, NE.

The next year all three of us went, and I met some of the most Godly men I have ever met in that place. Pastors Hoyt, Whitlock, Tellez, Hooker (his real last name), Moen, and our fearless director Schneckloth. We had a great year, and Nick and I continued for a total of 3. I met Sarah there, and she fell in love with me at first glance. Who could blame her, right? OK, we both thought the other annoying in some sense, although she did think I was divine, lol. We did end up dating for about 2 years, then were married.

We have been through the gamut of marriage trials, and have still managed to stay together. All that I am knows that without God, Sarah and I would not be together. Not that we don’t love each other, we do, but on both sides there has been enough damage to destroy 99% of marriages. We regularly saw a marriage counselor from March of 2006 until September of 2009, from Sep. 2009 to Nov. 2009 it was off and on. We have since stopped going, we have both been too busy but are strong enough, and wise enough to know we can go back anytime, and we are not weaker because of it.

So I know you have seen a reoccurring theme in my post, or I hope you have, and that is my mention of God. We are both believers in Jesus Christ, and try to live a life worthy of the calling with which we have received. What does that looks like, I believe looks different depending on what God has called us to, and what “season” we are going through. Now I can give you the Sunday morning answer and say that means “We are followers of the Most High, and that means we love Jesus, and spread his joy, love, and gospel where ever we are and go. People know we are Christians because we are proud of it and proclaim it in the streets”. If that is you, I’m not knocking it, what I will say is that is not me. I know people like that, I have some good friends like that, again, it’s not me.

There was a season that it was me, preaching on the corners, calling out for people to repent, wearing “Got Christ” T-shirts. That season has passed, for at least the time being, it may return, who knows. I have even been on the other end, keeping relatively quiet about my faith, I feel like I was not living to my fullest. So where am I now? I am where I need to be, I love Jesus, and I am down to earth. I have been forgiven of much, so I have learned compassion and forgiveness. I have learned so much through the last 10 years of my life that has help shape me into what I believe to be a well rounded person.

I am also blessed to have the “helpmate” that I have. She often wonders about being a stay at home mom, she struggles with wondering if she is doing any good. I try to tell her she is invaluable, and I would never want anyone else with our children as much as she is with them. She is what we need. I have the comfort of knowing that she will not steer our children wrong; besides teaching them the wrong way to make a machine gun sound (I hope there’s still time to reteach our twins). She balances us out, and we need it. We need someone to tell us “It’s cuddle time”, and we need someone to teach us to be more sensitive. We absolutely need her in our lives in order for us to be whole. I would have said complete, however, I am reminded of Jerry McGuire and that is way too corney. The last thing we need her for is to make us a little girl/sister in the future. If you know us, don’t ask, we are not, and may never be, but it is a thought.

Romans 8:28 says “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose”. Sarah and I have talked about how much that pertains to our lives together, our family’s life. We believe that all that crap we went through a few years ago, and learned from, has helped us be able to withstand the “Storm” we are going through. Because of those past struggles, we have learned and continue to do so, the value of communication, forgiveness, not taking it personal (Whatever “it” is), love, acceptance, and accepting failure. When I say that some may gasp, others may say “How can you accept failure, that is unacceptable”. The later was me, and unfortunately I really believed that. I have since been knocked off my high horse and I have learned that it is a normal part of being human. Someone famous once said “To err is human, to forgive divine” I like that.

I have failed people in the past and present, and will do so in the future. The same goes for my family, friends and others, and it is OK. We are not perfect, and God doesn’t expect us to be. David was a huge failure at times, and interestingly enough Acts 13:22 says After removing Saul, he made David their king. He testified concerning him: ‘I have found David son of Jesse a man after my own heart; he will do everything I want him to do.’ I think that verse is amazing.

As I type I feel like God is speaking something over our family, and I want to share it with you. So undeserving is the family of Strong Towers, and yet I (God) love them, bless them, and allow them to fall, never abandoning them. I (God) never leave them so the wolves may devour them, I (God) set them high on a hill for all to see. Maybe its a word for you too, maybe not, I just wanted to share it.

That is what we, the TORRES Family are all about. We love God, we know that he is more than able to heal our boy, whether by divine intervention, or through the hand of a man. A man he gave the knowledge and understanding to, a man he allowed to learn secrets that only a select few may know. A man he has allowed to learn secretes from the past that he may learn from them and continue to bless those who may not believe. That is how we feel. We are not the type of people who say “Don’t say your sick” when you have a funny nose, and a temp. of 103. We know the power of the tongue, and respect that, but we also live in an imperfect world. If God wants X to be healed he will be, if not now then later. Our ways are not his, and we lean not on our own understanding.

One more thing, we would not be who we are today if it were not for our families, and our friends, both who have taught us so much. We are both blessed to have wonderful families, imperfect and wonderful. For us, our parents were the reason we even knew there was a God, what greater gift can you give your child? Thanks.

OK this is far more than I wanted to write, if you don’t know us, and have questions feel free to ask, that’s why we’re here. One more thing if you know someone who was recently diagnosed with a seizure disorder let them know about us, I found it very helpful to read others experiences, and that is why we have this site.